Like Real Men Do
by Tono Radish
Summary: This is just a BS two of my friends and I wrote. Naturally, i was Toby and I kicked ass. 1 SHOT!


**Lovett:** Yes sir...*stands up and dusts herself off. She wrapped an arm around Toby with a warm smile*

**Toby:** Hello mum~ Anything *glare at mr t smile at lovett* I can do *glare at mr t smile at lovett* to help? *glare at mr t smile at lovett*

**Todd:** ...What the bloody hell are you staring at, Toby? You seem as though you have tourettes. Stop looking over here please. *le eyebrow raise*

**Lovett:** Well I could used some help with making the dough. How about you go wash up while I get the ingredients?

Mr. T may I have word?

**Toby:** *Glares some more~ and mouths "GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A MEAT PIE YOU WOMAN STEELER!"*

**Todd**: *to Mrs. Lovett* Yes, and what may that be aboot? ...About. *glares right back at Toby and then back to Mrs. Lovett, flipping him off nonchalontely*

**Toby:** *Smiles at Ms L* Sure thing mum! *heads up the stairs and motions slitting throat at mr T*

**Lovett:** *pulls Mr. T off to the side* Please be gentle with him. He has gone through so much...god knows how scarred he is after that man. You know.

**Todd:** *watches Toby with a death glance, and flips him off twice* Hmm. Well I would be nice and kind. If he weren't a little bastard. *glares at the stairs*

**Lovett:** *she took a deep breath* I have been the mediator between you too for far too long. It's about time that we all sat down and talked about what is going on. *sighs* My mother instincts tell me that it's the best. Especially to help this family survive...

**Toby:** *fell down the stairs like an idiot* I'm all cleaned up now~

**Lovett:** Alright! *smiles and helps him up* Let's start making these pies, shall we?

**Toby:** Yes mum!

**Todd:** There's nothing to talk aboot- about. Damn it.. There's nothing to talk about, and we're most certainly not a family... And even if we were I'd be ashamed to have a son who can't even walk down the stairs. *says the last few words a bit loudly for emphasis and nods* Right. Make the pies you two. I think I may have a few customers~.

**Lovett:** *glares at him* What a rude man...*sighs and walks into the kitchen and prepares the dough for the pies*

**Todd:** Not rude. I just don't take bullshit and idiocracy. *walks away to his shop*

**Lovett:** I see...

**Todd: **I bet you do, madam.

**Toby:** Don't worry mum! I'm so much more of a man than he is! Look! I'll even have chin hair in a few years!

**Lovett:** *she chuckled* Right Toby...right.

**Todd:** I highly doubt that. *rolls his eyes and shakes his head and closes the door to his shop* I'm surrounded by weirdos.

**Lovett:** ...*smiles and kisses the top of Toby's head* You're a good boy...you know that? Don't let him bother you.

**Toby:** I know! And I'm a man mum, a man who wears a wig sometimes, but a man none the less!

**Todd: **Well then if you're such a man then get me some customers...*smiles and hugs him*

**Toby: **Sure! I can do it! No problem, no sir! *Runs up and puts on a dress an wig and runs back down* I'll just lift up my skirt a little, like so~ *lifts up skirt a little* Stick my leg out a little, like this~ *Sticks leg out* And you'll have so many customers you won't know what to do with them all!

**Lovett: ***laughs* Toby...that might bring in the wrong customers. We don't want strange men comin' 'round to see you.

**Toby: ***Blushes a little in his woman's clothes that make him kinda look like Joana* Oh Ms. Lovett, you do that enough with just your smile, yes you do~

**Lovett: **Oh you~ What a charming young man, you are.~

**Todd: ***seeing as no one is getting costumers he's going to get 'em himself*...*stares at Toby blankly and WTF-ly*...Why.

**Toby: **Pretty Women~

**Lovett: ***sighs* He got a hold of one of my old dresses.

**Todd: **You are not a woman. You are a little boy. Now take that off and don't rummage through a womans stuff. Creepy ass motherfucker.

**Toby: ***Throws off dress and is in women's nickers* You want me to go out looking like this?

**Lovett: **No! no no...uh please get dressed in your old clothes.

**Todd: **...Get your sarcastic self in /mens/ clothing. What you were wearing before. *walks past* Seems as though you weren't going anywhere anyways.

**Toby: ***runs upstairs to change*

**Lovett: ***sighs* I need a drink...*grips the bottle of gin and chugs it, offering some to Mr. T* Want some?

**Todd: ** *shakes head* No thank you, I'm just fine. Maybe later, eh?

**Lovett: **Yeah sure...*she nodded and took another drink*

**Todd: **Don't get too ahead of yourself.

**Lovett: **Hmmm? *stops drinking and sets the bottle down before sitting in a chair*

**Toby: ** *toby fell down the stairs again and landed on top of Mr. T*

**Lovett: **Toby darling, are you alright?

**Todd: ** *le falls on the ground in epic face plant*...*mutters* Off of meeeeeeeeee. =A=

**Toby: ***Flies away to the kitchen like a woman*

**Todd: ** *forever alone because Mrs. Lovett cares more aboot a clumsy idgit and not her love interest but stands anywas like a boss* Hmph.

**Lovett:** *rests hand on Mr. T's shouldeR*

**Todd:** *le ignore* I'm gonna go get some costumers, love~.

**Lovett:** Go ahead and do that.

**Todd: ** *makes a little grunt and finally exits to find some unsuspecting men* *sings eerily* Come out come out~.. Where ever you little /hethens/ are..:

**Lovett:** *watches and smiles before grabbing a broom to sweep the floors*

**Toby: ** *Floating out of the kitchen* Is he gone? Mum, don't fret, YOU. STILL. HAVE. ME~ And I'm so much cuter than him! I'm like Sealand!

**Lovett: ** Right...now why don't you go out and play like a normal boy. *sighs* I have to clean up quite a bit and get the meat ready. Sounds like we'll have a fresh batch soon. *grins*

**Todd: ** *broods back to his shop a little bit later and waits for each man to come upstairs for a little shave*

**Toby: ** Due to lack of child labor laws, seeing as how they have not been set, if I leave the safety of this building I'll be taken to the coal mines with the other children and I'll have to wait for Indiana Jones to set me free.

**Lovett: **R-right...well do something please...there is so much to do and so little time

**Toby:** Well~ *He hit the lights and some music started playing as he sat her on the couch and tried to put his kid arm over her shoulder. It wasn't working out since she was that much taller than him.*

**Todd:** *slits their throats wide open and kicks them down the shoot and wipes the beautiful blood away and waits for the next*

**Lovett:** Listen I have to meet the shippers with the meat. I'll be right back. *goes down stairs into the cellar and locks the door. Humming to herself she took the bodies and ground the meat. Then she cooked them and stuff, making them into the pies. Yummy.*

**Todd: ***has a feeling someone is getting hit on*

**Toby: ***Sits down and starts to sing in his nasally woman's voice*

**Lovett: ***comes back with the pies and sets them on the stove, walking back to the den*

**Toby: **OH! I KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG! *He walked over to the light switch and a disco ball came down* Much better!

**Todd: ***really wants to start killing people for the hell of it now, since he thinks he has enough people*...Hmm. Sir? Yes you.. C'mere..

**Lovett:** *smiles and shakes her head* You're quite the strange one aren't you dear.

**Toby: ** *Sitting her back down* Where were we?

**Todd: ***comes down covered in blood and looks at this whole...* What the bloody mother fuck is going on down here. Toby. What. The hell.

**Toby: **WHAT ABOUT YOU!? YOU KINKY SIR! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU UP TO!?


End file.
